Do you ever watch people watch you?

Do you ever catch a glimpse of what you look like to them?

Can you see yourself through other people's eyes?

My friend Emily has very high standards that she expects those who are close to her to meet. This results in her befriending truly good people. She doesn't judge, and she doesn't discriminate, she simply demands goodness and honesty from people.

She has several truly religious friends. She herself is not religious in the slightest, I suppose it is simply the people she attracts.

The two of us were walking down by the ocean, waiting for the Canada Day fireworks to begin when we bumped into these friends of hers. Their religion forbids the women from wearing pants, makeup, or cutting their hair. I cannot even imagine some of the other guidelines.

As Emily chatted easily, I became increasingly aware of myself. Of my lowcut shirt, of my tight jeans, of the fact that my makeup had been smudged to resemble that of a crackwhore before I'd even left the house and I hadn't bothered to fix it. Of my demeanor and my beer breath.

Sitting with these people, I could have drawn a line in magic marker between them and me.

On the way back up to the car, we bumped into a few friends of mine that I used to get drunk and take ecstacy with. When I looked at them, I felt as if I could draw that same line, over again. I saw them weaving predictably from one too many, I heard the same old banter and saw the same old glazed over look in all of their eyes.

Emily tugged me along, half to keep up with the flow of people and half to escape the uncomfortable conversation. She said "those people have nothing to offer to enrich your life" and she's right.

But I've lost something along the way. Oh right... my place in the world.

It's difficult to see where I fit now.

But I feel as though I sorta fit with my lovely friends who send me cards in the mail (even though they see me daily) and bake me cookies. I feel as though I fit with Paul because he never once asked me to change, it has always been me who has decided to better myself.

It's funny though. How we all grow up. How we all make decisions about who we will grow up to be. How we can decide to be wholesome or decide that's not for us. We can decide to drink or decide not to. We can give our bodies to people or we can cherish ourselves. We can choose to marry or we can choose not to. We can decide to be parents or decide we might not be the right type of person. We can read through to the bottom of an entry, or we can just skim the first few lines and move on.

It's funny how every little decision shapes us. How we don't really realize this is the way it is, but it is.