I was watching King of the Hill today, and one of the cartoon alcoholics said something that hit too close to home.

"Fake it till you make it"

Is that what we do? Is that what I'm doing? I can't even tell anymore. The line between being okay and just pretending has been so badly blurred.

There are some days I look in the mirror and I can't see the person I used to be.

I pretend that the person who did all of those things was someone else entirely. I pretend that I am the type of person who would never do any of the horrible things that my memory insists that I did.

But am I pretending? Or was it truly someone completely different who did everything that is burned into my memory?

When did I stop pretending? When did I become someone who sees something wrong with lying and cheating and getting high?

Laying in bed with The Drummer last night, I drifted in and out of consciousness, like I do every time I stay over there. He stayed up and held me. He doesn't sleep when I'm there. He says he just can't bring himself to fall asleep, that I'm too beautiful and it distracts him.

It started as me wanting to be the person he sees me as. I want the life that he wants to give me. He tells me as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters to him.

This is the life that I want. But it isn't just the lifestyle that lures me in. It's him.